Waiting For Something Bad to Happen
Recent reflections
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I had an entirely different newsletter idea for today, but then I had this moment while making breakfast an hour ago, and this feels so much more important. This thought is wanting to scream itself out of me and I’m gonna let it!
On a personal level, life has been feeling good recently. Calm, in the day-to-day. Yet, I’ve been noticing this slow wave of panic wash over me, waiting for someone to tell me it’s all a joke. Feeling this deep sense of dread that things can’t possibly be good, that they’ll change soon. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, I think is the saying. And of course, things will change, naturally. Everything does. But I’m noticing this anxious part of me put a wall against the goodness, perhaps in disbelief that things could be good. It’s a feeling of resistance to wanting to believe that things could be okay, that I could be okay. And maybe that’s because horrific things are happening in the world, have been happening ,and it’s unsettling to sit on Zoom calls while people’s lives end somewhere else. Maybe it’s because we’re all connected. It’s weird to sit with duality, that life could be feeling good for me and like a nightmare for someone else.
An hour ago, I was mid-drizzle of peanut butter over oatmeal, lost in thought about a worst-case scenario. I noticed that my mind was going there, and I came to halt. Wait a minute, another thought popped in. But what if I’m actually okay? What if there’s no “but” - what if it’s just good right now, the reality that’s in front of me?
I set my spoon down and exhaled a sigh of relief, basking in this feeling. Yeah, maybe things can just be good right now. Yes, they’ll change, but can I just let it be okay? Can I let myself enjoy it, without bracing myself for a fall that’s nowhere in sight?
I then started journaling, right before writing this newsletter, about how necessary that on-edge feeling had once been for me, especially growing up. Not being able to get used to things being good, because I never knew when they’d flip like a switch. There’s a younger, scared part of me that, even still, has a hard time believing when things are settled.
What feels different now is the way I relate to this part of myself. I noticed that it was happening, and started to talk to this scared part of myself, soothing the fear, and returning to what was real and true right now: in this moment, everything is okay.
And sometimes, things won’t feel okay - and that’s okay, too. Things can not be okay, and we can still know that we’ll be okay. There was no need for me to shame myself for having this fearful feeling - it’s just a part of me, and that part is allowed to be there.
It doesn’t mean things will feel okay forever, but it means I can notice when my mind is stopping me from basking in the okay-ness now. The survival part of our brains is always preparing for something that may never be in front of us. This morning was a reminder that I can notice that this is happening, without believing it.
WHAT IF everything will be okay?
WHAT IF when things are good, they can just be good?
WHAT IF the worst-case scenario won’t come true?
WHAT IF, even if the worst-case scenario does come true, you can survive the discomfort of it?
WHAT IF it’s not the end of the world - until it is… but then it’s the end of the world, so who cares.
Let’s start by taking a few deep breaths. On Monday, I sent out this month’s guided meditation, if you have 10 minutes to settle in!
When life is going smoothly - do you have trouble believing that it can be that way?
How has that on-edge feeling been protective for you in the past? When was it protective for you not fully get comfortable with things being okay?
Take a moment and talk to that scared part of yourself. Soothe them, let them know you’re safe right now. Even if things are rough, can you let them know you’re here?
Thank you so much for being here, exactly as you are. See you next week!
♡ Meg
It’s been difficult for me personally to even acknowledge that this part is here, because I wanted myself to be happy and carefree when life is feeling good. But I think ignoring it or pretending that this part isn’t there makes it even more scared and even louder. So by just acknowledging that it’s there and that it’s not me - just a part of me - I can feel it relaxing and loosening it’s grip on me. Thank you, Meg! I recently listening to ep 295 of the we can do hard things podcast where they had Richard Schwartz on as a guest, the creator of the IFS therapeutic model and the language you use in this newsletter reminds me of the way they talked about the self and other parts inside of us. Highly recommend :) 💛