Who are you? (yes, you)

Uncovering our true selves

*actually, life is both beautiful and agonizing and i have time but sometimes my brain convinces me that I am running out of time! haha!

I entered into a new decade this week, and birthdays never fail to bring about sneaky reflections on life, death and identity. Who am I? is a question that has constantly rattled in my brain as I’ve meandered through different stages of life, and I feel like finally, I have a clear(er) sense of who that is.

Or at least the clearest sense I’ve had so far.

I’m sure that 10 years from now, I’ll look back on this version of myself and think, she had noooo idea. But that’s inevitable because clarity naturally arises with more time, more experiences and more intentionality under my belt.

I remember being struck with both a feeling and thought right after graduating college, plopped into the adult world: am I just a medley of other people’s personalities? Who am I when I’m not trying to please? This feeling haunted me, really. I felt like a phony in everything I did (and still sometimes do). Do I just mirror other people’s qualities and moods back to them? It’s what I had learned to do for so long, and is what had protected me so well.

When our minds have been trained to look outward before looking inward, to seek external validation before asking ourselves what we think, to be on high alert of how others are perceiving us before asking what we think of ourselves — we’re going to feel lost as adults. And that makes so much sense. Self-neglect is self-protection, but that doesn’t mean we always need protecting.

lil me - I hope your wishes are coming true :’)

Toward the end of my book, I have a chapter called Who Are You? (Yes, You). To me, the answer to that question is the reward that waits for us on the other side of this healing work. Not that there’s an “end” to it, but there’s a shift. When we no longer need to please, appease, impress and morph ourselves for safety, we get to meet the person who was within us all along.

Here’s a little snippet from that chapter:

It’s funny how so much of healing and “finding ourselves” as adults is really just returning to who we were as children before society got its grip on us, before we were taught to feel shame for being ourselves, before we were taught that our needs were too much. […]What did you love to do before you were conditioned to believe that for you to do anything, you needed to be perfect at it?

I really feel like the older I get, the more I’m just coming back to who I was a child. As a kid, I’d check out a stack of fiction books from my school library to carry me through the weekend. I was free, silly and wore whatever I wanted. I cut my own bangs with kitchen scissors (I don’t plan on doing that again. I’m just trying to make a point).

It’s a sweet, healing thing to remember that as we get older, that younger version of ourselves doesn’t go anywhere. We are in the same bodies that they were in ten, twenty, thirty, forty years ago. That younger version is still inside of us, waiting for confirmation that it’s safe to come back out.

As youngsters, we often learn that we can earn maximum love, approval and safety by being who others want us to be. By being perfect. By being “good.” By shapeshifting ourselves to be palatable and liked by whoever we’re with. When this self-neglect happens again and again, over time, we start to lose touch with the true essence of who we are.

That true essence hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s been blocked, not erased. It’s been covered, not lost. And just as it took years to slowly silence who we really are, it’s naturally going to take time to slowly uncover who that person is, to let that version of ourselves know that it’s safe enough to emerge.

And also, who we are isn’t fixed. Just because you feel quiet and shy one day, doesn’t mean we are you are a quiet, shy person. Just because you feel unmotivated and uninspired one day, doesn’t mean you are a lazy person. Discovering who we are means uncovering are true essence and values without attaching to them, knowing that we are always changing. When we cling onto something and say ah yes, this is who I am, we may miss the chance to evolve because we’re not giving ourselves the option to change.

The process of reclaiming ourselves isn’t a checkbox item or something to rush through, but something we’re always doing. I’ve been trying to release urgency around it and instead find enjoyment in the question and process of: who am I today? Let’s find out.

Reflection questions

1. What did you love to do as a child, before perfectionism took over? Can you recall what brought you joy? If not, what did you fantasize about doing?

2. When did that change? When did you learn that it was safer to silence that younger version?

3. In what ways could you allow that younger version of you to come out now?

As always, I love to hear your reflections in the comments. Just by reading and reflecting, you are reclaiming and rediscovering yourself. Thank you for being here!

---

6 weeks until AYMAM? is in your hands!

If you want a signed + personalized copy, cutesy stickers and to support my favorite local bookstore for the same price:

Based in the UK?

---

Until next time,

♡ Meg