The Root of Perfectionism

How perfectionism is trying to protect you.

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A windy summer day in San Francisco, 2022. Photographed by Megan Barrett.

But first, a meditation class!

Join me this Sunday from 4-5pm PT as we meditate and reflect together under the full moon. In this one-hour Zoom event, I'll lead you through soothing breathwork, a guided meditation that focuses on grounding, and journaling prompts on letting go.

If you aren’t able to attend but still want to enjoy it, everyone who purchases a ticket will receive a recording via email. You’ll still be able to follow along on your own time!

Your camera can be off and there will not be breakout rooms ;)

This event is open to everyone! Join us from wherever you are in the world. Tickets are $10 - you can register here. I hope to be with you then!

The other family member

One of the greatest lessons that I’ve learned in my healing is that multiple truths can exist at once. In my present day, this often looks like allowing conflicting emotions to exist together. Sadness and relief. Gratitude and anger.

Looking back, I realized that I learned this truth much earlier in life. I grew up in a family of five. But there was a sixth member who played a prominent role: their name was Addiction. Addiction was a package deal with others, like Abuse and Anger. They all have A names, like a unified little family. It’s kinda cute.

The thing about Addiction is that it can make a person switch to an entirely different person in an instant. Multiple truths can exist at once, and multiple versions of someone can exist at once.

Who will I get today? Which version of this person will I meet this hour, this moment?

And also, multiple experiences can exist at once. There was so much laughter, joy and beauty - and there were also moments of intense fear, where doors would slam and the house would shake with the body that I live in.

We all just want to feel safe and loved. So we adapt our behavior, our being, to maximize those feelings. When our environment feels out of our control, when things can’t be predicted, we change our behavior to have some sort of control over other people’s behavior. Even if it barely helps, at least it’s something that we can shift our focus to.

This younger version of myself learned that if she was perfect, that could prevent an outburst. If she didn’t make mistakes, then she couldn’t be criticized. If she was always ‘good,’ she couldn’t be treated badly. If the environment at home was out of her control, the one thing that she could control was how perfect she was.

I have deep empathy for this younger version of myself, and I also have empathy for Addiction, and the person that it latched onto.

I understand now that Addiction is merely a symptom of something deeper. Addiction is scared. Addiction is starving for safety and love. We all just wanted to feel safe, and we found that safety in different ways.

Getting to the root

So many of us consider ourselves to be ‘perfectionists.’ Not because perfect actually exists, but because being as perfect as possible was a protective mechanism that we adapted from an early age. This may feel especially true for you if:

• If you grew up with a caregiver who would often criticize or shame you

• You had a constant feeling of walking on eggshells at home

• You felt like you had to be ‘good’ and ‘perfect’ in order to prevent conflict at home. Even if the conflict had nothing to do with you, being ‘perfect’ was at least something you could do

• Love had to be earned. You only felt loved when you did something to ‘deserve’ it

When we don’t have control over our environment, when we can’t control the behavior of our parents or of our peers, we do the second best thing: we attempt to control our inner world. By having perfect grades, the perfect job, not showing our ‘messier’ sides in relationships.

Perfectionism is the mind’s attempt to protect us.

It makes sense. If we’re perfect, then there’s less of a chance that we can be criticized, rejected or disappoint someone. If we’re perfect, then maybe there’s a greater chance that we’ll feel loved and accepted by others.

Like so many other protective mechanisms, this likely worked to some extent, for some time.

But as we get older, these protective mechanisms stay with us. Our body still thinks that we need to be perfect in order to feel safe and loved. The difference is, as an adult, this looks like setting standards for ourselves that are completely unrealistic. It looks like wanting to always be your ‘best self’ for people - maybe to the point of isolation because we can’t always be our best selves. It means maybe being too disciplined, maybe with food, exercise, routines, as a way to feel in control of the fear.

Imperfect doesn’t mean not perfect, it really just means human. Because perfect doesn’t exist. So imperfect just means…you. As you are, right now.

Imperfect means seeing the messy parts of ourselves not as something to be fixed, but as something to be held. It means understanding that something doesn’t have to always be inherently wrong with us.

Healing perfectionism means to allow ourselves to just be. Noticing when our focus has shifted onto other people’s perceptions, worrying what people think, scared that we aren’t good enough - and gently, without urgency, returning our focus to the safety of the present. And also, notice if the mind is trying to be perfect at not being perfect.

May these statements ring true in the depths of our being:

I can be imperfect and loved/accepted at the same time.

It is safe to make mistakes.

It is safe to show the messier, less curated sides of myself.

It is safe to release the need to control.

It is safe to fully accept myself, right now, as I am.

Reflection activity

• Start by taking a few deep breaths, simply noticing that you are breathing.

• At what point in life did being ‘perfect’ serve as self-protection for you?

• In what areas do you currently feel pressure to be perfect?

• In what ways can you release some of that pressure? What would it look like to soften the rigidity, to allow yourself to be imperfect?

Thank you for being here, exactly as you are. See you here next week ♡

With warmth,

Meg