How to balance DOING and BEING

Ask me(g) anything #1

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A few weeks ago, I announced a new thought-column mini series: Ask Me(g) Anything. I invited your questions—and you sent in lots of thoughtful, deeply resonant ones.

As a therapist who works one-on-one and also shares ideas with a wider community, I’m always drawn to the themes beneath the themes: what are we feeling collectively? Where do our private struggles overlap?

As I read through your inquiries, one theme stood out:

How can we balance being and doing — especially when our work is meaningful, self-driven and bleeds into our personal lives?

Here’s how a few of you so beautifully put it:

“I realize that, more and more, with life running so fast and having so many (good) projects going on, I find myself busy even on ‘off’ days. And especially on days where I don't have to work on those projects (I am a freelancer so anytime I want to work, I can), I find myself almost blocked because I don't know what to ‘do’ with myself…”

“I'm wondering if you would be interested in doing a ‘thought column’ on advice to new, burgeoning therapists. Maybe you can touch on balancing doing clinical work w/artistic hobbies (I'm also a writer)-- and how to integrate these two sides of oneself, etc. I'm graduating soon w/my MSW + have accepted a job at group practice I've been working for my internship. I still want to carve time out in my day to write, to be, to dream, and to meditate.”

As someone who’s also in an endless push-and-pull with this inner voice that’s always telling me to do more, I don’t have the perfect answer to this, and I think that’s in part because there isn’t one.

Not feeling like you’re doing enough, in many ways, is so self-protective. If love or approval was conditional growing up, achieving and doing was one of the few things in your control to focus on each day. Maybe it now feels dangerous to your body to not do, because what would it mean? Would it mean love could be taken away? Would it mean that your sense of value is worthless? If doing more has worked as a safety strategy, it’s going to feel scary to just be sometimes. And of course, and it almost feels cliche to say it, our productivity being tied to our worth is so reinforced by the society we live in, in large part because we have so much access to seeing what others are up to, and therefore constantly left with the feeling that we’re always falling short.

This reflexive response is not all good or all bad — it serves a function. It’s not black or white. With anything, there’s a sort of at its best…. and at its worst… quality about it. An insatiable hunger to achieve, to do, to dream, to pursue, isn’t something we’re trying to erase or silence. Instead, we’re noticing the ways in which that critical voice creates extra suffering for ourselves, and when that voice is working hard when it doesn’t need to be.

With the rise of digital careers, the ability to start a business with an iPhone, and the spreading existential realization that we’re only on this earth for so long, I think more and more people are coming to terms with the truth that if we must work hard to survive under capitalism, we might as well do something we love, under our own terms. Our lives, really, are just our days. I think many of us are realizing that if we aren’t finding some sort of meaning or purpose in our day-to-day (however that looks for you), life can feel quite dull.

Whether you’re wrapped up in a passion project while working your day job, trying to parent and still make time for yourself, or just struggling to be and do however that looks for you, finding that balance is a constant practice that’s in constant fluctuation.

Here are some reminders and rituals that help me personally, and ones that I bring into sessions with clients:

5 ways to balance being and doing

1. That critical voice, the voice that says you are never doing enough, will always be there. While this might sound like horrific news, let it be a relief. Even if you did the absolute most in a single day, that critical voice would still have something to say. Knowing this, we can give this voice a little less power, and a little less say in how we spend our time.

2. Define what is “enough.” Because this unconscious voice will always be yapping, it’s crucial for us to consciously decide what is enough in any given day, week, month. What’s a realistic to-do list for yourself? What are things that have to get done today, and what are things that are less urgent? Once you check all of those things off, there will be a temptation to keep going. Can you remind yourself that you pre-decided what “enough” looks like today?

3. Set boundaries with yourself. I have a whole chapter about boundaries in my book, about how they are an opening into our deepest needs. They communicate to other people: I’m not pushing you away. This is what I am able to give, so that we can be close. If we want a deep, intimate relationship with ourselves, we need self-boundaries, too. Boundaries with your time, with how late and how early you’re checking your emails, with how much energy you’re giving thought to work outside of working hours. What needs of yours aren’t being met by yourself?

4. Quiet the noise. A huge part of constantly feeling deficient is rooted in comparing ourselves to other people. We see how others are doing, achieving, or even being and spending their free time, and we’re naturally going to compare and level up our experiences to theirs. The truth is: we’re not supposed to be seeing everyone’s lives in the way that we currently are. When the inner critic is loud, support yourself in turning the noise down by limiting the consumption of other people’s lives. Take away the comparison points, even for just a little bit. Can you shift your focus to your life?

5. What does “being” mean to you? When our bodies are in a state of overwhelm, deciding how to rest can add to the overwhelm. Should I be meditating? Journaling? Watching TV? Walking? Cooking? Because we’re already making 102932093 decisions in your day-to-day, this one extra decision can send our nervous systems into a state of freeze, leading us to numb, scroll, and keep us in a continued state of exhaustion. When you’re in a grounded and restful place, ask yourself: what does rest feel and look to me? When we’re overwhelmed and feeling resistant to just being, in that state of being, it can be easy to forget what feels good. Can your grounded-self give a reminder to your overwhelmed-self on how to settle your nervous system?

Thank you so much for all of your gracious inquiries! I’m loving being able to connect with our newsletter community in this way. If you have something on your mind, submit it below for the next thought column:

Like what you’re reading and want even mooooore words?

Thank you for being here, exactly as you are. Whatever you’re able to do today, is enough.

Until next time,

♡ Meg