Are You Never Doing Enough?
And big news!
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I’m writing this newsletter from my floor, with horrific posture, and a mug of hot chocolate in hand (well, it’s next to me. But in-hand sounds better. If it was in-hand, my keyboard would be done for). I’m so excited to sit down and write to you today - it feels comforting to get back into our newsletter routine together.
I first want to thank you for your sweetness on my last newsletter, where I shared the news of my dad’s passing. It’s been a weird month, and what I know about grief is that it doesn’t come in steps, but in waves, and a loss like this is something that’ll be processed over a lifetime. That truth feels relieving to me, in some ways, that I don’t need to *check* grieve ✓ - but can just let whatever I’m feeling right now be okay, knowing that there’s no end goal, no agenda. There’s just this.
The other weird thing: as this painful loss is happening, really good things are happening, and it’s strange and confusing to hold both sides of that spectrum, to let myself feel grief and excitement at the same time. But what I’m realizing, I think, is that there’s enough space in my being - our beings - to hold it all.
EXCUSE ME? YOUR (PRE)-ORDER IS READY.
On that note, before I get into the topic for today, I have something very exciting to tell you…
My book, ARE YOU MAD AT ME? is now available for pre-order!
Two days ago, I shared the news on Instagram with an infomercial (yes), and seeing the official cover on the product page, and sharing it with our community - that was the first moment it started to feel real. This is really happening!!!!
Some wise advice I received when I first got started on the book was: think of a specific person that you’re writing this book for. The first and clearest person I was able to conjure up in my mind, was a past version of myself. This is a book that I desperately needed, and one that I wished had existed a decade ago when I “started” this healing work.
ARE YOU MAD AT ME? gets to the true root of people pleasing - the fawn response. It’s a deeply personal book that unpacks why we worry so much about what others think, why we abandon our needs, why we shapeshift ourselves to be liked, and it offers a compassionate path forward on how we can break free. I wrote this book as a psychotherapist, yes, but also as someone who really gets it… how can it not be deeply personal?
If you’re constantly worrying what people think of you, overextending yourself and then feeling resentful, silencing your needs to make others happy, avoiding conflict at all costs - this book is for you.
Fawning disconnects us from who we are. It forces us to neglect ourselves as a means of self-protection. My greatest hope is that this book supports you in returning to yourself.
I have so much more to say, and I’ll share lots more with you in the months to come - reflections, behind-the-scenes content, excerpts. I cannot wait for this book to be in your hands, and for it to deepen your healing, reflection and self-reclamation. If my content, newsletters, videos have resonated with you in any way - this book has the essence of all those things, but goes 12028674 times deeper. My greatest hope is that it feels like therapy in a book.
It’ll be available on August 5th, 2025 and will be available in 17 different languages/territories (I cannot wrap my head around that).
Why would I pre-order?
It may seem weird to order a book before it’s been published, but it is so impactful for the overall success of the book. Pre-ordering says to retailers and bookstores, “Hey! People want this book! You should stock up!”. Pre-ordering creates a strong foundation for the book, so that it can reach and support as many people as possible.
If you’ve left a comment or sent me a DM that you’ve already pre-ordered: I can’t thank you enough. There is so much to come!
Back to the newsletter…
WHEN NOTHING FEELS LIKE ENOUGH
A topic that’s been arising in sessions lately, and one that mirrors thoughts I’ve certainly had myself, is this idea of why does nothing I do, ever feel like enough to myself? It’s this feeling of relief when you achieve something, when you cross something off your to-do list, instead of feeling happy or proud. It’s this feeling of, phew I did it instead of, woo I did it! It’s this feeling that checking off a milestone, however big or small, is an obligation or an expectation, rather than an accomplishment.
Do you ever feel this way?
I posted a video a couple weeks ago, talking about how maybe it doesn’t ever feel like you’re doing enough because the inner critic just keeps raising the bar. You say, “okay once I do this, then it’ll be enough.” Then you do it, and it feels exciting for a bit, until you adapt to it and the inner critic raises the bar and says, “Mmm okay never mind, once you do this, then you’ll definitely have done enough,” and the cycle continues.
But why?
Two reasons come to mind.
The hedonic treadmill, which is a fancy term to say that we’re hardwired to adapt really quickly. Whether it’s something good (like a job promotion), or something challenging (like an injury or a loss of some sort), humans have the ability to get used to it. And then we return to a familiar baseline of happiness or contentment. This is especially true for positive changes, where we build up this fantasy of what life will be like when X happens, and then it happens, and you’re still waking up and brushing your teeth and paying rent and life just keeps going. The joy is fleeting because everything is, and we add extra suffering by wanting the “high” to last forever, so we chase the next Big Thing.
Did you learn that your safety lies in constantly doing, proving and impressing? As a psychotherapist, my mind often sees patterns like through the lens of, when and how was this self-protective for you? If we were sitting in a therapy session together right now, we’d probably explore questions like…
Did you have caregivers who were critical, unpredictable or emotionally absent?
Did focusing on achievement and being “perfect” feel like one of the few things in your control in an environment that otherwise felt pretty out of your control?
Was doing doing doing how you were able to maximize feeling love and safety?
Was being “perfect” how you kept the peace?
Did you develop a harsh inner critic as a way to “stay ahead” of the volatility or criticism? If you’re perfect, there’s nothing to criticize… right?
I’m presenting you with more questions than answers because this topic opens up opportunity for self-inquiry - and you know your experiences best. Having an inner part of you that finds safety in doing, achieving, impressing and proving is such a common experience of the fawn response.
It’s a genius survival mechanism that allowed you to feel safe in relationships and in environments that otherwise felt shaky. With the fawn response, we learn that our safety lies in external approval. So naturally, we develop the belief that we need to always be doing and giving in order to feel safe - because that once worked.
But is it still protecting you or is it holding you back?
Do you still need to constantly be putting pressure in order for you to be safe?
Do you still need to be constantly proving and impressing?
Do you still to berate yourself for every slip-up?
When we can acknowledge that this inner voice is coming from a place of self-protection, we can begin to soften, even just a little bit. We can begin to slow down, return to our breath, return to ourselves, and remember that in this moment, maybe, just maybe, you are doing enough. Maybe you can let your body know that you’re no longer living in that time, by speaking to yourself in a new, more compassionate way.
I’m sending you lots of care and softness - I hope you can give yourself a moment today to look around, and acknowledge what you’ve already done. Thank you for being here and for receiving this newsletter.
And if this topic resonates with you, boy oh boy, it is just a sliver of what I explore in ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
Until next time,
♡ Meg
I am so excited to read your book <3
Sending love to you as you navigate this loss 🤍 Love this topic and just pre-ordered a copy of your book!